Go away, Feelings. I hate you.
Saturday, September 11, 2010 @ 9/11/2010 10:33:00 PM
Heart out post.
So, skip this post.
Cause Mr Moody married Ms Angry and had a baby named Sad.
And it's gonna be long.
Here goes.
I am so sorry. But I don't really like Hari Raya. Most probably ever since somebody moved into my house. But we've been through this. This post is about other things. Let see, first day of Hari Raya. Typical me wore PE shorts and T-shirt in the morning. And typical her, started nagging anout me and how I dress. Yeah, whatever ah. But I wore that outfit for the rest of the morning until guests came. Yeah, then guests left at like 5pm? So we went out like 5pm+.
Yeah, went to grandmother's house first. And there is where everything wrong happened. It started when my mum didn't allow me to use the thing you use to clip at the back of your baju kurung if it is too big. Yeah, my baju kurung is always too big cause of my body proportion. If I wear the pair according to my height, it would be too big cause I am tall. But if I wear the pair according to my size, It would be too short cause I my body is thin? So, my parents always buy the pair according to my height. Then, mum didn't let me use that clip thing. And I look like one fat girl. I can like cut the baju kurung in half the size and still fit. So yeah.
But then, she forced me wear jewelery. Omg, I hate wearing baju kurung already. And now she wants me to wear jewelery? Like as if she don't know I don't like jewelery. Wtf ah. Then I wore earings only, and then she keep quiet. But then in the car, she took out all these gold jewelery sets and ask me wear all. I was like wtf? No way! Yeah, she told me these were from my great great grandmother and blah, blah, you know what. I still didn't want to wear them. I asked her why should I wear since I already have the earings on. But all she said was, just wear them. Then she forced me wear one of the gold bangles. Omg, I feel like a freaking old lady. Then, I just pushed the bangle as high up my arm as I can to hide it in my sleeve. Blood circulation slowed, but it was worth it.
Then, reached grandmother house. Then I realised. My mum once told me a story. When mum and dad weren't married yet, dad brought mum to meet his parents for the first time. Mum heard grandmother saying to dad, why is she so naked? Where are all her jewelery?. Then she was like so cold towards mum the whole day. The next time, mum's mum lent her jewelery to mum and omg, grandmother was like so nice. Yeah, maybe this is why mum is forcing me to wear the gold jewelery. But for what? To impress grandmother? Impress for what? Hmm, need to do more research.
Anyways, went inside house. Everything seemed okay. Then dad said to my cuz, Your always slim, always so thin eh? That hit me so hard. What am I dad? Omg, everybody in school is saying I am so thin and they see me everyday! Cikgu Y is asking me to eat vitamins due to my thinness and Mr V is asking me to eat more! Reletives whom I see few times a year doesn't say anything about my size? What does that mean? They don't care about me! Omg, I was so angry. Partly with my dad too. Omg, dad, that hurts. Oh, I bet, if i used that cllip thingy, my relatives would say I am thin too. Yeah, they would. And that cousin of mine. I blame myself for being ugly. But how can I compete with her? Wait, what am I competing for? My dad? Sheesh, she can take him. I don't give a damn.
Then, things were okay. But people started talking about school and future. And omg, that topic is so hated. I don't need anybody to tell me what to do. Especially, nosy relatives. Sheesh, so I talked and played with Iwan. Then, he went to eat the kuih, typical him. Then the older cousins asked him about school and CCA and stuffs. Yeah, they were surprised about him in choir and why he quit rugby. Sheesh, whose the person who asked him to stay in choir when he wanted to quit? And without that person, would he be going to Hong Kong this December? HUH? Sheesh. And everybody is all so, Awwww, that is so cute! Yeah, whatever.
Then, blah, blah, blah. I was standing at the entrance of the kitchen. Then my aunt look at me weirdly. I asked, yes? Then she asked, do you like earings? I said, no. She said, nvm, I go take my earings. I was like, are you freaking deaf? Then, she came back a box. She asked me to go inside the kitchen and I sat down beside her. She opened her box, inside, little jewelery pieces, about less than 10. She gave me a choker made of beads. You called that jewelery? Then, she called in my cousin. The 'slim' one. And my aunt gave her a pair of earings. Then, a beautiful choker. Then, another earring. I didn't care about the earrings. But that choker was beautiful.
But nvm, I wasn't surprise she would give it to my cousin. I wouldn't look beautiful even with jewelery anyway. Yeah, then I rejected an earring. Then my mum was like, she is always like this, geting her to wear a gold bangle was that difficult. Sheesh, mum, do you have to tell her? Yeah, she is embarrass to have a daughter like me. I bet she would love to have my beautiful cousin as her daughter. Sheesh. Then, my mum asked me, why didn't I take the jewelery cause i should. I was like, I don't want them, besides she would better off get them because everybody favours her not me. My mum kept quiet after that. Hahaha, oh yeah.
Then I went to the hall with dad because obviously mum and aunt was talking about me in the kitchen. Sheesh. I know I am not perfect. So I talked with my dad. Then, they called me back into the kitchen. My aunt asked me to give the Hari Raya money to mum for safe keeping. I was like, why? She said, see you pocket, money would fall out any time. I said to mum, told you my pocket was big. Then my aunt asked, where is my purse. I answered, I don't use purses. And she said something that hurt.
What kind of lady are you?
And omg, that hurt. Here is what I wanted to reply:
The one with feelings that nobody seems to care.
But instead, I smiled and just walked out of the kitchen.
Yeah, the halo on top of my head was practically shining like so hard.
How could she even say that? Omg, my heart was like shouting OUCH! But my mouth was closed shut. Yeah, that was that worst part of the day. Omg, doesn't mean I don't wear jewelery, I am not a lady. Doesn't mean I don't use purses, I am not a lady. Doesn't mean I don't wear make-up, I am not a lady. Omg, what is wrong with people and their perspective of a lady? Yeah, I am better off being a man right? Sheesh, I know I am not beautiful. I was never self-concious and I am still not. But how can you not be when people around you keep comparing and questioning about the way you are? Especially people you are close too. Or used to be.
You know, sometimes I think I make the wrong decisions in life. Maybe I should have joined Malay Dance in primary school. Then I wouldn't have these dense bones and muscles because of the tough skipping trainings. And be more..lady like. Oh, then in sec sch I could continue to be in MD, and be more lady like. Then, NCD would have a better USM instead of me. Since nobody really believes I can be one no matter how hard I try to prove to them. I get tired from hearing, Huh? You are the USM? or What? I thought it would be a different person or Hahaha! Your funny! Seiously, who is the USM? Yeah, you wanted a more popular girl to be the USM or a better looking guy to lead the CCA. Really, people. If you don't want me to be it, just tell the teachers. I wasn't the one who chose this position. You think your dissapointed? How about me? I have sacrificed so much to get that freaking position but my best friend got it. And I hate myself for hating her. Because it is not her fault. Yeah, I am too ugly. The school needs better looking people to represent the school. I only got the position that I am in because of being the USM. Oh, in MD, then I could know how to put on make up and dress better. So you guys wouldn't be embarrassed going out with me. Or better still, don't hang out with me at all. I am used to being a loner anyways. Then, I could know how to go on diet and be thin enough for dad. And actually like wearing jewelery and using purses. Then relatives will love me. Omg, wouldn't that be nice?
NOT. What use will it do if people like the fake you. I want people to like the real me. The natural, true me. Not some kind of cheap, self-concious minah. I don't mind if nobody loves me because I am used to it. I can find so many ways to make myself happy. I don't need people to tell me what to do. Especially from people who treats others badly just to make themselves feel good. These people can go jump off a building.
Still, in all these bad situations, there are some times worth smiling about. Like when I was talking with dad when mum and aunt were talking in the kitchen. Dad and I seem to talk alone together a lot nowdays. He gets me, especially at home. He's either not working or night shift cause he said we're going out in the weekends. Oh, and I have many cute far away cousins. Haha, but I only saw them this year and it's a low possibility I will see them next year. But still, there was this guy. He smiled at me! Hahaha, cute ah. But yeah, it was only one time. Oh well, I had many people keeping me company through my handphone. Thanks people. I love you guys a lot because you guys keep me distracted from killing myself that night. Hahaha, seriously, thanks. You know who you are, kay people? Oh, and I love my hair yesterday! I did not tie it, except a little at the top, but it stayed neat and together! Omg, there's a first time for everything! And I managed to make it curled temporarily! It stayed that way the whole of yesterday.
Okay, I am good for now. Oh and my handphone is confiscated. Because I made my mum angry. Well, I was still angry with her about yesterday.Besides, she thinks I can't live without a handphone. I am going to prove to her that I can. So yeah. I need time to be alone anyways. I love you guys and I am sorry I cannot text this weekend. It is time you guys find a new texting buddy anyways. I always wonder why would you guys still text such a loser like me. Okay bye for now. Oh, and have fun this weekend with your family. Cause I am sure your family is awesome. At least better than mine. :D
♥ You Guys,
